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If programming languages were coffee machines

Published on Aug. 27, 2018 2018-08-27 in Blog » Humor

Disclaimer: this blog post is a translation. Original post in french here.


You have to preheat the machine 24 hours before you can make the first coffee. The coffee is quite good but is served with sugar, cream and spices.


The machine is very efficient and makes an excellent coffee. On the other hand it's very complicated to calibrate. A simple mistake in the dosage can cause the machine to explode and catch fire.

Objective C / Cocoa

The NSCoffee machine is fast and the coffee is nice, but it can only be served in approved compatible cups, each time you change the machine you have to change the cups. The coffee machine communicates with your smart watch that detects the amount of caffeine in your blood. Thanks to a partnership between the machine's manufacturer and your health insurance company, the machine will refuse to serve you a coffee if your caffeine level exceeds the recommended daily average.


This machine is very versatile! Although it was designed for filter coffee, it can also make tea, fruit juice and crushed ice. On the other hand, it's not repairable and not very reliable: on average, it's replaced every six months to buy the new version.


The "machine" actually consists of a bucket of water, a bag of unroasted coffee, a camping gas and a cut flint. I hear some people can do wonders with it.


A gas stove, a bag of ground coffee, a filter and a pan. It's rudimentary but effective. Critics will point out that you need a minimum of skill to avoid burning yourself and that you must be careful to turn off the gas after use. Those who are used to it know exactly when to turn off the plate to let the coffee finish heating by the diffused heat and thus optimize the consumption.


This is a fax machine. The user places an order on a piece of paper and sends it by fax. A few minutes later, a waiter from the nearest café delivers the desired coffee to his home. The system has been criticized for its obsolescence, but it's still effective and provides a livelihood for local businesses.


A simple machine with an easy-to-use design that uses little energy and works well; but it only serves hot chocolate. Very popular in schools in the 80's.


The famous corporate coffee machine of the 70s. Retro-coffee lovers like to use it like in the old days, but it only works with old Francs coins.


The emergency soluble coffee. On the label there is women in underwear, although it has nothing to do with coffee, because the marketing rednecks figured it would sell.


Like COBOL, we are trying to start that machine that still seems to be in good shape, albeit a bit outdated. In fact, a fire starts quietly in the power supply, flames are suddenly spreading in the floors and it takes 72 hours to extinguish the fire in the street.

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